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I declined to appear in the Sweet Life Episode on “Comforting the Bereaved” for Lorna Tolentino’s friends. My last TV appearances left me disillusioned with anything showbiz in it. Despite the tragic elements in my life, I cannot stand embellishments injected into my life story. The segment producer tapped me to be the resource person for “A Child’s Grief” and I hemmed and hawed. I then remembered that grief education is part of my mission in life so I agreed in the end.

The guests were two young women, widowed in their mid-twenties. The focus of the segment was comforting their bereaved children. I discussed some creative projects and self-care. Every now and then I had to butt in and correct some misconceptions on Grief Recovery. Lucy Torres is quite smart but I don’t know what to make of Wilma Doesnt, her co-host. At the end of the show, I handed my calling card to the two widows. Wilma looked at me backing off as if I had some communicable disease don’t give me a calling card in half-joking/serious tone. Well, I told her I didn’t plan on giving you anyway but she kept repeating it. What the??

Apparently, she found the show’s theme so heavy and depressing that she kept whining about it. To think I was there to educate them about Child’s grief.

Since my portion covered less than 6 minutes (they practically cut half of that segment and concentrated more on Lorna Tolentino’s grief), I want to add more details that were not really discussed and which parents and guardians of a bereaved child might find useful.

Society tends to imagine a family death in one of two ways:

1. It may be seen as so devastating for children that people feel they should be completely protected.

2. It may be seen as the opposite, that people assume children are so resilient that they will simply “bounce back” without any support.

In my experience, bereaved kids really experience the pain and bewilderment of grief. With the help of supportive adults, children can heal understand and learn to live with their loss.

Some things to remember:

1. In order to support a child, the parent will need to make efforts to look after themselves first. This includes making time for yourself to experience your own feelings of grief.

2. The age of the child has a direct impact on their level of understanding about what has happened.

Let’s take the example of my niece, B the first cousin of my Luijoe. They were inseparable. B who was then 3 years old was Luijoe’s playmate and best friend. On the day Luijoe died, her mother informed B that her cousin died. Poor B! She understood what death meant and cried like a river.

It helped that her mother allowed her to cry and talk about her cousin’s death. Children aged 2 to 5 years think that death is reversible and that people who have died can come back. B , smart beyond her years was an exception. She knew Luijoe was not coming back. And how she cried a volley of tears. It was a good thing that her mother made a special album of memories for B to look at. In that album were photos of the good times like those photos above.

During Luijoe’s birthday and death anniversaries, B placed flowers on his grave. It was a pitiful sight sometimes to see her cry. We cried with her. One of the most difficult aspects of a child’s grief at this age is how they ask the same questions over and over again in an effort to begin making sense of their loss. Reading books on death and loss, playing, drawing and giving them opportunities to identify and talk about worries and feelings will help them deal with the loss.

Children aged 6 to 9 years begin to develop an understanding of death as irreversible though they can get confused about it. Sometimes kids think of death as something spooky, like a zombie or a spirit that comes to get them. It is important that their specific worries are spoken about. It is also important to avoid cliches such as You’re a brave boy/girl. Kids will interpret this to mean that you want or need them not to share their feelings. Kids need you and other important people in their lives to show them that it is OK to express their feelings.

Children aged 9 to 13 are more aware of the finality of death. They understand death as both concrete and abstract. Kids may experience difficulties in their interactions with peers. The death of someone important can make them feel different at the very time that they want to be the same as everyone else.

Marielle was 12 at the time of Luijoe’s death and she expressed to me her concern that it’s not normal to lose a brother. She didn’t know of anyone who lost a sibling. That made her feel different. Big emotional releases (such as anger or distres) are not uncommon but can be scary for children at this stage. They benefit from your willingness to listen and your assurances that the feelings are normal.

Adolescents may struggle to make longer term plans as the death of someone important causes them to reflect on “the meaning of life” and ponder on the question “What’s the point?”. Lauren was a 14 year old at the time of Luijoe’s death. I was too grief-stricken to notice the kids’ feelings but I was always around for them, loving them. They had their friends to distract them but at the same time, they couldn’t stand the shallow attitude of their friends. Sometimes I feel death matured their way of thinking making them value life more.

Sometimes teens tend to keep to themselves but I notice that when there is a special activity to commemorate Luijoe’s life and death, they become talkative and start talking about the good old days. In a way, they are able to express their grief without forcing them to talk about it.

I know it’s been years since their brother died but I have been told that the loss of a sibling will hit them now and then at various stages in their life. I remind them that these feelings are normal. I know they will be fine. When I asked B if she recalls Luijoe’s favorites (which I needed for a memory quilt project), she smiled and said “lizard”.

Smiles have now replaced the tears.

Things to Remember

1. Remember that “super parents” don’t exist. Just do what you can, when you can. Accept that some things just can’t be “made better” in a short space of time.

2. Talk to children using words they understand.

3. Tell Children information a bit at a time.

4. Don’t be afraid to show children how you are feeling.

5. Try and encourage children to ask questions.

6. Answer questions honestly and simply.

7. Try to find ways in which children can be involved.

8. And if family and friends offer to look after your children to give you a break, accept— don’t feel guilty.——————————-
You might also want to read Positive Mental Energy and Affirmations and my other blogs like Free Filipino Food Recipes, Shopping Finds, Pinoy Food Photo Blog and Techie Gadgets. Or Follow me in twitter @momblogger.

How about visiting my Beauty over 50 blog?

Hope you can drop by! Thanks for visiting…Noemi Lardizabal-Dado.

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(Thanks to Jeric for this recording and also to Pinoy Biscuits for taping the episode as backup)

Welcome viewers of Proudly Filipina.

I really like how the writers and researchers prepared for the show. It was well-researched. Charlene Gonzales, the host surprised me as well with her research skills. The night before, Charlene told me that she read my blog entries. I was flattered. Usually hosts rely on their staff for the research. I also read about Proudly Filipina the day their staff called me. I wanted to know more about their show. During the taping episode at home, I learned that Charlene is quite hands-on. Aside from hosting and interviewing the subjects, the former beauty queen assists the staff of the show in research and pre-production.

During the break, I asked Charlene how she liked being the host of Proudly Filipina. She readily agreed to be the host because the show has a ‘pay it forward’ effect. You could inspire, change somebody’s life, and be optimistic is enough reason for her to agree to be the host. A segment of their show paves the way for anyone to nominate their Filipina who they are most proud of. She added that “It is more interactive with the viewers because they will be able to contribute what they want to see on the show. Not only that, other inspiring stories of other Filipina and successful woman of the country are also shown.”

If you want to nominate a Filipina for their segment , Pay It Forward, you can nominate at proudly_f@yahoo.com or proudlyfilipina@gmanetwork.com

The questions dealt on the 5 deaths in my immediate family. Media often focused on Luijoe’s death but I have never been interviewed on the deaths of my two brothers, my mom and dad.

These are the sequence of events.

1976

My mom passed away when I was 19 years old. Though I knew she was sick of breast cancer since I was 15, I never imagined she ‘d pass away.

1990

My 27 year old brother, Reuben died of fulminant Hepatitis A. His death was so sudden. Soon after his death, it was discovered that there was a Hepatitis A epidemic in our area. Four other siblings including Lauren suffered from Hepatitis A. We filed a case against Metro Cebu Water District (MCWD) and won the case 12 years later.

1999

My 40 year old brother, Oscar died of leukemia (AML- 6) after an unsuccessful stem cell transplant in Bethesda, Maryland.

2000

Six year old Luijoe died of accidental drowning in a beach resort at Cebu, Mactan.

2003

My dad died of diabetes complications after being bedridden for 4 years.

I often asked God “WHY? WHY MY FAMILY? WHY MY SON? ” for many years.

Much later in my grief recovery, I learned that my son’s mission on earth ended and the choice was for me to take over whatever mission I needed to do. The same goes with my family members who passed away too.

Every death is not an ending . It offers new beginnings, an opportunity to seek the meaning and purpose of the death.

We all must face death. Perhaps we can even find grace in it. If it is our time to move on , we need not fear death. If it is nearing the time to say goodbye to a loved one, then pray that their transition be graceful and peaceful. If you have lost a loved one, know that they live on.

As for me, I chose to be a better person instead of being bitter.

Some minor corrections though

1. In the end of my segment, Charlene said she hoped “time will come when there are happier stories. I guess she read the grief category only. Though I write about grief, this blog is not all sad and somber. I do write about my adventures, my joys as well as the journey.

2. I did not write a book but I contributed a story to the book, Fallen Cradle edited by Agnes Prieto.

My story on Luijoe’s life and death is a part of , “Fallen Cradle“, a book of 22 stories by parents who have a lost a child. . Fallen Cradle can be bought at National BookStore or Powerbooks. (read more about Fallen Cradle)

3. My story does not make sense without my advocacy. They forgot to mention it in the episode.

Grief Support in the Philippines
After the Death of a Child

Behind the Scenes

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You might also want to read Positive Mental Energy and Affirmations and my other blogs like Free Filipino Food Recipes, Shopping Finds, Pinoy Food Photo Blog and Techie Gadgets. Or Follow me in twitter @momblogger.

How about visiting my Beauty over 50 blog?

Hope you can drop by! Thanks for visiting…Noemi Lardizabal-Dado.

Add me in Facebook by introducing yourself. My facebook is at facebook.com/noemidado

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To my visitors who watched the blogging episode of Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho, welcome to my blog. I already wrote about the taping of this episode…but I want to clarify portions of the show.

1. I did not give permission to show a reenactment of the swimming pool scene.

Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy watching Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho. However, I didn’t know they will re-enact the swimming pool scene. Though brief, it shocked me a bit. The little boy in the video reminded me of Luijoe somehow. In the past,a TV show wanted to feature my story but they wanted an reenactment. I refused. I texted the segment producer that I should have agreed to an reenactment. According to the producer, he informed me of the video sequence. Whatever. Permission is needed because I have to respect other family members who don’t want this traumatic scene replayed on TV.

Besides, I think this scene was unnecessary. I assume viewers of the show are intelligent enough to know how painful a death of a child is. Hello, do they assume their viewers are dumb and can’t understand what “drowning” means?

I will just let this slide but it teaches me a lesson next time, to ask how the segment will be produced (if ever there are future episodes).

The fact that I agreed to blogging in a cemetery is enough cooperation on my part.

2. Blogging as a Therapy as my reason for blogging

I went into blogging NOT for my sake but to spread the word about my advocacy, the grief support group called The Compassionate Friends. I clearly remember the producer asking me this question on why I went into blogging. I said I went into blogging to spread my advocacy . Secondly, I discovered the therapeutic benefits of blogging as I went along. That interview portion was conveniently cut. I am disappointed that my advocacy part on the The Compassionate Friends was not mentioned even in passing. The slant portrayed was the reverse.

What is wrong with blogging for advocacy? I believe media should show that blogging is a credible medium for promoting an advocacy or social change.

3. I don’t just blog on my grief

Oh… the video just had to make it even more dramatic that I often write about my son. I wrote only one entry addressed to my son, Justice, My son which you heard me recite on the video. Grief-related topics deal mostly with the recovery aspect. Jessica Soho’s researchers should browse through the archives to see that I also blog on other topics such as blogging, motherhood, Marraige, Love and Health.

Despite these three annoyances, their blogging segment is more comprehensive and balanced than Studio 23 Yspeak’s episode and the “Beware of the Blog” of Korina Sanchez. Kapuso Mo Jessica Soho showed diversity in blogging such as entertainment, history, religion, fashion. Screen caps of blogs shown were that of Alleba Politics, Celebrity blogs of Lea Salonga, KC Concepion, Jim Paredes, Francis Magalona…

And Rhiz of pinkseo.info and Brian Gorrell were also featured.

In fairness to the show, some of their viewers got touched with my part. I received heart-felt emails from the viewers thanking me for giving some inspiration.

(Thank you Pinoy Biscuits for the above videos.)

Hopefully the Proudly Filipina segment this coming Friday at 7PM (May 2) will be much better.

On the lighter side, here are the behind the scenes of the taping:

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You might also want to read Positive Mental Energy and Affirmations and my other blogs like Free Filipino Food Recipes, Shopping Finds, Pinoy Food Photo Blog and Techie Gadgets. Or Follow me in twitter @momblogger.

How about visiting my Beauty over 50 blog?

Hope you can drop by! Thanks for visiting…Noemi Lardizabal-Dado.

Add me in Facebook by introducing yourself. My facebook is at facebook.com/noemidado

Tweet Follow me in twitter @momblogger.Finally the Youtube version of the Lifestyle show on Mommy bloggers that featured Cathy, Annamanila and myself.

(Video courtesy of Karen Borbon, the Executive Producer, momWorks)

It took 3 hours to shoot but the video clip is only 8 minutes. The Lifestyle special was very well-edited and accurate compared to the problogging feature of Abe and Angelo.

View the video here if you can’t see the video above.——————————-
You might also want to read Positive Mental Energy and Affirmations and my other blogs like Free Filipino Food Recipes, Shopping Finds, Pinoy Food Photo Blog and Techie Gadgets. Or Follow me in twitter @momblogger.

How about visiting my Beauty over 50 blog?

Hope you can drop by! Thanks for visiting…Noemi Lardizabal-Dado.

Add me in Facebook by introducing yourself. My facebook is at facebook.com/noemidado

Tweet Follow me in twitter @momblogger.I was quite apprehensive over the production of Ali’s Sotto Mother’s Day Feature. Ali’s talk show was launched late last year and I had never watched a single episode. What will be the focus? Will it sound sensational aka Oprah Show style? Or will they show some heart breaking dramatic effect? I was prepared for the worst.

Surprisingly, the episode was nice, touching and inspiring. The Ali Show featured mothers who have moved on towards a positive resolution of their grief. It’s not easy to narrate my grief and the events surrounding Luijoe’s death in public but I needed to share , if only to give hope to other bereaved parents. Most importantly, my son’s memory is kept alive through The Compassionate Friends which I co-founded with two other parents. (View Screencaps of the show)

Hi Butch . Is Noemi a movie celebrity? I keep seeing her picture on TV. what show does she come out in?

haha, I don’t know if our new friend was kidding or not but I think he was referring to the preview of the show.——————————-
You might also want to read Positive Mental Energy and Affirmations and my other blogs like Free Filipino Food Recipes, Shopping Finds, Pinoy Food Photo Blog and Techie Gadgets. Or Follow me in twitter @momblogger.

How about visiting my Beauty over 50 blog?

Hope you can drop by! Thanks for visiting…Noemi Lardizabal-Dado.

Add me in Facebook by introducing yourself. My facebook is at facebook.com/noemidado